Blog on the edge of oblivion
That time is not now or, at least, not lately.
It's been a confusing fall and disorienting winter. Long story short, Dad is leaving the Army soon - we're not sure exactly when, and that's part of the problem - and we've faced decisions about where to go, what to do. I'm facing the reality of needing to greatly increase my workload, but it's more than that.
I've moved before, many times, and most have been connected with changing jobs as well. This time, though, feels different. Maybe that's because there are two little people depending on me to not screw this up and land them in a homeless shelter. Maybe they'd be OK in a homeless shelter as long as it has wifi so they can take a laptop.
So I've sat back, quietly for the most part, and freaked out.
I tried to write. It just didn't work on the personal level. The stuff I get paid to do, no problem. But I couldn't joke about the guys' travails during soccer season or Big Guy's "unexpected but predictable if you know him" decision to be Malfoy for Halloween or our trip to ride The Polar Express during what might be the guys' last hoorah with Santa. For lack of any other explanation, I just wasn't feeling it.
Yes, there was some other stuff going on in the background. A health scare with me that turned out OK, and, looking back, that might be where the whole angsty thing started. Tim McGraw and "Live Like You Were Dying" played incessantly, almost tauntingly in my head:
"Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?"
Heckuva question, isn't it? I still don't have the answer, but this much is clear, courtesy of Alanis Morissette:
"I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine"
And it will be fine. I don't know how or even where, though we're looking toward the East Coast, but it will be fine. If Alanis' lyrics aren't enough to convince me, there are the words my friend, Cynthia, wrote just this morning: "But the biggest reality that I cling to is the knowledge that God truly is here every step of the way to provide everything I need, sometimes just in the nick of time but never too late."
Sometimes, of course, you have to edit your definition of "need." I've succeeded in doing that in the past few months, and now the only thing I need is to know that the guys are fed, healthy and happy. I haven't done so hot on that last point in the past few months, as I've let the chaos swirl. I've been there, but I haven't really been there.
All that is over now. Life still is chaotic, but everything is going to be fine, fine, fine.
And I'm writing again, too.
Copyright 2012 Debra Legg. All rights reserved.