Blog on the edge of oblivion
Submitted by Debra Legg on Monday, 23 January 2012
2 Comments
There was a time when I wrote two, sometimes three times a day every day of the week. A time when life seemed a little muddled once in a while but mostly clear.
That time is not now or, at least, not lately.
It's been a confusing fall and disorienting winter. Long story short, Dad is leaving the Army soon - we're not sure exactly when, and that's part of the problem - and we've faced decisions about where to go, what to do. I'm facing the reality of needing to greatly increase my workload, but it's more than that.
I've moved before, many times, and most have been connected with changing jobs as well. This time, though, feels different. Maybe that's because there are two little people depending on me to not screw this up and land them in a homeless shelter. Maybe they'd be OK in a homeless shelter as long as it has wifi so they can take a laptop.
So I've sat back, quietly for the most part, and freaked out.
I tried to write. It just didn't work on the personal level. The stuff I get paid to do, no problem. But I couldn't joke about the guys' travails during soccer season or Big Guy's "unexpected but predictable if you know him" decision to be Malfoy for Halloween or our trip to ride The Polar Express during what might be the guys' last hoorah with Santa. For lack of any other explanation, I just wasn't feeling it.
Yes, there was some other stuff going on in the background. A health scare with me that turned out OK, and, looking back, that might be where the whole angsty thing started. Tim McGraw and "Live Like You Were Dying" played incessantly, almost tauntingly in my head:
"Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?"
Heckuva question, isn't it? I still don't have the answer, but this much is clear, courtesy of Alanis Morissette:
"I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine"
And it will be fine. I don't know how or even where, though we're looking toward the East Coast, but it will be fine. If Alanis' lyrics aren't enough to convince me, there are the words my friend, Cynthia, wrote just this morning: "But the biggest reality that I cling to is the knowledge that God truly is here every step of the way to provide everything I need, sometimes just in the nick of time but never too late."
Sometimes, of course, you have to edit your definition of "need." I've succeeded in doing that in the past few months, and now the only thing I need is to know that the guys are fed, healthy and happy. I haven't done so hot on that last point in the past few months, as I've let the chaos swirl. I've been there, but I haven't really been there.
All that is over now. Life still is chaotic, but everything is going to be fine, fine, fine.
And I'm writing again, too.
Copyright 2012 Debra Legg. All rights reserved.
That time is not now or, at least, not lately.
It's been a confusing fall and disorienting winter. Long story short, Dad is leaving the Army soon - we're not sure exactly when, and that's part of the problem - and we've faced decisions about where to go, what to do. I'm facing the reality of needing to greatly increase my workload, but it's more than that.
I've moved before, many times, and most have been connected with changing jobs as well. This time, though, feels different. Maybe that's because there are two little people depending on me to not screw this up and land them in a homeless shelter. Maybe they'd be OK in a homeless shelter as long as it has wifi so they can take a laptop.
So I've sat back, quietly for the most part, and freaked out.
I tried to write. It just didn't work on the personal level. The stuff I get paid to do, no problem. But I couldn't joke about the guys' travails during soccer season or Big Guy's "unexpected but predictable if you know him" decision to be Malfoy for Halloween or our trip to ride The Polar Express during what might be the guys' last hoorah with Santa. For lack of any other explanation, I just wasn't feeling it.
Yes, there was some other stuff going on in the background. A health scare with me that turned out OK, and, looking back, that might be where the whole angsty thing started. Tim McGraw and "Live Like You Were Dying" played incessantly, almost tauntingly in my head:
"Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?"
Heckuva question, isn't it? I still don't have the answer, but this much is clear, courtesy of Alanis Morissette:
"I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine"
And it will be fine. I don't know how or even where, though we're looking toward the East Coast, but it will be fine. If Alanis' lyrics aren't enough to convince me, there are the words my friend, Cynthia, wrote just this morning: "But the biggest reality that I cling to is the knowledge that God truly is here every step of the way to provide everything I need, sometimes just in the nick of time but never too late."
Sometimes, of course, you have to edit your definition of "need." I've succeeded in doing that in the past few months, and now the only thing I need is to know that the guys are fed, healthy and happy. I haven't done so hot on that last point in the past few months, as I've let the chaos swirl. I've been there, but I haven't really been there.
All that is over now. Life still is chaotic, but everything is going to be fine, fine, fine.
And I'm writing again, too.
Copyright 2012 Debra Legg. All rights reserved.
Oh my goodness!! I am (ashamedly) a thirty-something with Boots’ tendencies toward finger-jabbing and angry accusations...
It will be ok. I know how it feels to have to say that when it does not seem to connected to anything but it will be ok. And who knows…maybe you will be able to return to Modesto and start battling with the online goofballs in cyber space out there. You should check out Voice of Modesto and then check out Robert’s ‘Cornerstone’ blog site. It is hilarious.
Oh my goodness, girl! When I said that we are related, I didn’t realize how much we had going on in common! I knew something was up because you haven’t been putting a lot on your blog so I’ve been praying for you. I kept wanting to email you but didn’t want to be nosey so I just prayed. And will keep doing so. I think the one thing we don’t have in common is that I no longer have kids in the house depending on us, but even though they are older there is this desire to have everything super stable and prosperous so we have something to offer if they should face a crisis. It is dawning on me more and more that what we have to offer may not be cash but love that never fails, hope that refuses to die, and faith that sees things through until the light breaks through and scatters all darkness and dark times. It’s rough, but God will not let us down!
You don’t have to publish this comment since it is a bit personal. But I didn’t want to let another day go by without letting you know that meeting you in The Hive was a huge blessing to me, and you will always be in my heart and my prayers. Are you working on a book holding the same name as your blog? It would surely do very, very well! The world could use several chapters of your wit! Blogs are great but books can be taken anywhere and read anytime. For those of us without smart phones and other such gadgets, a book would really rock!
Blessing my friend, to you, the guys and Dad.
Love,
Cynthia
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