1. If you’re having a hot flash, don’t assume it’s because you’re in your 50s. Have your son take you to the emergency room. You might have swine flu.

2. If you sneeze, forget the fact that it’s spring and pollen is rampant from coast-to-coast. Rush to the doctor’s office. You might have swine flu.

3. If your third cousin twice removed went on a cruise to Ensenada 10 years ago, that’s close enough to be dangerous. Schedule a complete workup immediately. You might have swine flu.

4. Swear off pork. Do not even watch Porky Pig cartoons. Do not read your kids “The Three Little Pigs.” Never mind that eating bacon isn’t going to make you sick. It might clog your arteries or cause cancer eventually, but it isn’t going to give you swine flu. But better safe than sorry.

5. If you live three states away from the nearest suspected case, stock up on surgical masks anyway. Spending is good for the economy, and one can’t be too careful. Besides, the masks make great fashion accessories in addition to keeping you from catching swine flu.

Copyright 2009 Debra Leg. All rights reserved.

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